Just an Imperfect Girl

First, let me just say that I have no idea where this post is going to go. I guess this will sort of be an exercise in mental diarrhea for me, but that's not really unusual. If you’ve been around here long enough you will know that I am a babbler and a rambler and prone to rants at times. I know that it’s mistaken for being disorganized, confused, etc. But honestly I think it’s because I’m far too passionate for my own skin and I never stop trying to figure out the great puzzle of life even when I have lost all the end pieces and the one piece I have left doesn’t seem to fit.

I have gone through a lot of changes this year. My life isn't the same as it was. Well, the physical day in and day out is the same as it was a year ago, but something inside me has shifted; flipped over onto its back like a struggling turtle. I'm not sure how to turn it around - or even if I want to.

I was once a very stubborn girl - more so than at present. I was once so head strong that I pushed away everyone that loved me. I know now that I did this unconsciously because I was afraid they would push me away first. They all stuck around for the most part, bless them, but sometimes I don't know why they did. I made things and personal causes more important... I made my religion more important... more important than people and love itself.

I am suddenly confused about my direction yet as steadfast as ever in what I believe. I think now I can say that what I believe in is love, and yes even the romantic kind. I was born a hopeless romantic. This is a detail of my personality that I had given up on for years, throwing that part of myself away like old leftovers molding in the fridge. Fairytales, romance, love, etc. became a bunch of BS because my life hadn’t turned out the way I had expected it to. It was easier and less painful to simply say it was someone else’s fault or some grand trick played on young girls whose reading materials are full of princesses and prince charmings.

And then suddenly the only love I had ever known wasn’t mine anymore. Suddenly there was this huge hole in my heart that I was terrified would never be filled again. I was left to coast on alone like a bird floating on the winds made by speeding cars over a highway. I hated it. For countless years I had wanted freedom. When it finally came my entire soul screamed out for the loss of what I had known and I began to fight like a cornered animal, determined not to give up until I got that piece of myself back.

During this time of struggle I became an ungrateful little child, turning to my Mother and asking “Why? Why is this happening to me? Have you left me too?” I was so angry, so hurt, and feeling so alone that even the Goddess could not give me any comfort. Or maybe I didn’t let her. Yes, I abandoned her and focused only on myself. I can see now that she came to me through my physical mother... the woman who gave birth to me in this life and who has never faultered in her love for me. During this painful time I knew she was there with her arms open, waiting to give comfort and listen to me.

Now I am feeling a bit more whole and I know the love has returned - rather it never really left me in a way - but I don’t know how to stop the fight and the fear that comes along with it. I don’t know how to find that head-strong sureness again. Maybe that’s a good thing though. Maybe I needed a stiff shot of humility. I don’t know.

I’m not perfect. I’ve been told that I think I am but I really don’t. I guess I have this nasty habit of being too blunt and sometimes people think I’m being condescending. Problem is… I want to be perfect. I want to live up to the expectations and be the good girl. I want to do everything right and be that perfect shining apple in someone’s eye. When I can’t be those things I throw up my hands and throw in the towel. There must be a middle ground hiding inside all this crazy emotion. I know it’s there somewhere. How to find it is another story.