Robbing Myself of Magic

Raven Grimassi once told me to be careful not to “rob myself of the magic”. He had just signed some books for me and since I had waited until later in the day to visit his booth he was free to chat for a bit. I was on the Pagan Pride committee that year (the event he and his wife were attending as guest speakers) so we had already been introduced and quickly moved to topics of deeper interest. I was expressing my disenchantment and frustration when Raven, looking for all the world like Paul McCartney's love child without his moustache, said those words. I consider Raven to be an extremely well learned man whose books are meticulously researched and void of much of the fluffiness some authors embrace. So of course I took his words to heart, but to this day I'm still not sure how to put them into action.

I have experienced certain things that I badly want to believe were real and true. As time passes I rationalize my experiences until there is nothing left of them. Consequently experiencing these things again is rather difficult.

When I was a child I used to hear a voice. It was completely incoherent and I always felt that if I listened just a little harder I might be able to make out the words. This scared the crap out of me as a kid and eventually the voice stopped. I think I might have willed it to stop.

When I hit about 19 or so the voice began to return and 11 years later there are times when I still hear it. Am I crazy? Maybe. I’ve thought about Schizophrenia, but that doesn’t usually hit someone until their early twenties. Because this has been ongoing since early childhood I have ruled that out. Could this be some inner voice? Is it my intuition? My conscience? The one constant is that the voice always comes along when I am doing something repetitive or not requiring concentration – when my brain is in an alpha state.

If I was listening to someone else tell this story I would be convinced they were crazy and I expect nothing less from anyone who is reading this right now. I am very scientifically minded. I believe in reason and I strive to understand why things are and how they work. I’m also very creatively minded. I’m an artist and creating is like instinct for me. So I suppose there is sort of an inner struggle going on. One part of me thinks there must be rational explanations for everything while the other is not opposed to more abstract ideas.

I’ve considered that perhaps I’m clairaudient but I also think mediums are most often frauds. Maybe famous psychics have ruined it for me. John Edward, Sylvia Browne, Chris Fleming, etc. have really just left a bad taste in my mouth about psychics and mediumship in general. I am certainly not going to say I have an ability that I have never been able to believe in others. I have had numerous readings and not one of them has ever been more than a cold reading or a general interpretation of cards laid out on a table. I believe everyone could potentially have psychic ability, I just haven’t proven that yet.

On the topic of channeling, I have thought that maybe if we’re all Goddess than it isn’t too crazy to think she could speak to us or through us. Why is it people who channel pick things like Arch Angels, aliens, star clusters, famous dead folks, etc? I just can’t swallow the whole concept. But I wish I could.

I want to believe. Who doesn't? Isn't that desire to believe what gives psychic charlatains their power in the first place? I’m willing to suspend all sorts of belief but I need something concrete, something that can be evaluated and then revealed to be true. Maybe I need to stop putting reigns on everything before the magic is lost to me forever.